Articles from The Onion

These two articles hit home for me:


Shots Of Indianapolis Skyline To Depress Nation During Final Four Broadcast

Shots of the Indianapolis skyline scheduled to air during the 2010 Final Four will be extremely depressing and will momentarily infuse viewers with a sense of overwhelming bleakness, the U.S. populace reported this week. "When they come back from commercials I'll have to look at these uninspired, cold-looking buildings. There are those two really tall ones that kind of look dead, like nothing's really going on inside of them," said Andover, MD resident Nathan Kowalski, adding that during the Colts' 2009 Super Bowl run, aerial shots of the metropolis put him in such a deep malaise that he had to stop watching the NFL playoffs. "I bet they'll show night shots of the skyline, too. Which will look just as dead, because who wants to be caught in Indianapolis at night when everything is closed and there's nothing to do? I hope they just show the New York City skyline and cut to the game." At a press conference Thursday, Indianapolis mayor Greg Ballard seemed to be on the verge of defending his city, but ultimately sighed and agreed with the rest of the country.

Butler Doesn't Understand What They Have To Do To Get Out Of Indiana

INDIANAPOLIS—Members of the Indianapolis-based Butler University basketball team, which defeated top-seeded Syracuse on its way to the school's first-ever Final Four, wondered aloud Wednesday what more they had to accomplish to finally get the hell out of Indiana. "We've won 24 games in a row now, a longer streak than anyone else, and in recognition we get to travel where? To New York? To Los Angeles? No. Across town," Butler star Gordon Hayward said during a press conference. "How am I supposed to motivate and inspire my teammates? We've excelled at the game, and our reward is to be trapped in this armpit? My only consolation is that the three visiting teams get to see how lousy some schools have it." Hayward, an Indiana native, ended the press conference early and left without comment when told an Indiana Pacers scout would be attending the Bulldogs' game against Michigan State.